Time to break some rules

I’m a firm believer in re-examining the rules that we live our life by. But my thinking behind this is perhaps a little unorthodox.

When I was a teacher I taught the Ethics component in RS A level, and on that course we explore the difference between deontological and teleological decision making. Deontology is rule based - you always follow the rules. The outcome you get is the right one because it’s what following the rules led you to. Conversely, Teleology is outcomes based - you determine the outcome you want, and you do the least possible damage in getting there. The outcome you get is the right one because it’s the one you were aiming for (even if you had to break some rules on the way.)

Lots of people live by systems of rules that have been with them since childhood

• You should be seen and not heard

• You should always put other people’s needs before your own

• You should give up your seat, and shouldn’t take up too much space

• This isn’t for people like you

• No-one cares about what you have to say

• You must always share

• … it’s rude not to kiss (relative) goodbye

I am a solutions focussed clinical hypnotherapist, so my sessions don’t tend to dwell for too long in the past. But it’s almost inconceivable that I’ll see a client for a work based issue (imposter syndrome, speaking up in meetings, interview avoidance or others) where some kind of rule from the past doesn’t feature in the session.

This is why my city work is almost always done in one session. We talk for long enough to really see what’s going on, then dismantle the rules that are holding us back, before imagining and then determining ‘you’ for the future. It’s a long session but a good one, when the client walks out ready for their next phase.

There is a place for rule following. But when the rules are unhelpful and holding you back, it’s time to address them. Dare to imagine the outcome you want.